“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.