“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me, reading some of your tweets
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok