Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

🐠

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

⚰

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.