“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.