Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

i want to work in this restaurant

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

My last name is Zilla.

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[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.