“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: