Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?