“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”