“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3