“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
mom had nothing to worry about
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
socratic questions
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key