‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
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12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Pot warmers of the day.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”