Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.