“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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Just ordered me some pizza!
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
set yourself free xox
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes