Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing