“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?