Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to God

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.