“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.