“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.