Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look