Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
You Might Also Like
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
New menu item
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes