Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.