Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

Just why bro?!

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

*puts words between two asterisks*

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.