Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Most fashion shows these days…
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My dress code is business-casualty.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”