Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
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Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Me checking my bank balance online.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
💻🤡
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……