Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.