“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
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My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me buying fruit and veg
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
But is it really??
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
getting seasonal up in here
