Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you