“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Self-cleaning conscience
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
