“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.