Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]