Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
real
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.