Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.