Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
What kind of a cult is this?
