Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

me watching my own Instagram story

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery