Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That was easy.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Cheer up.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not