Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Whoops

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!