“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.