“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

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To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.


How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?


[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]


[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me


God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch


When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.


How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?


“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato


I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.


Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.