@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

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@CARRIONIER

To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.

@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@flashember

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

@thedadvocate01

God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@ericsshadow

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

@ianpauldukes

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@novicefather

Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.