Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

New menu item

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker