Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.