Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day