Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.