Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

Reminder:

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours