daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
You Might Also Like
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
Wednesday
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil