daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.