Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

the dark web is just a goth google.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Me if I was a dog

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium