DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
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Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Going to church you guys need anything
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did