DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.