DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Gods work.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
