Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.