Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate