Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

What’s a Messi?

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.