Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

I know

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain