Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside