Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
You Might Also Like
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Day 2 of my diet
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
#oldknees
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
barbara was highly relatable
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky