Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

I mean…but I did

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?