Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

I need a headline like this

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?