Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.