“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
<- sleeps well with others
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I wanna be friends with this person
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.