Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.