Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?