Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree