Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
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7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson