Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.