dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
my astrological sign is a french fry
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
this year felt like being awake during surgery