dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people