Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

#parenting

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”