Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???