Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

I forgot how to panic. Help

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Better luck next time champ

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Succinctly put.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.