Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.