Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
going to bed
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The legends were true
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.