Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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just witnessed a drug deal
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him