Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
When I said I liked it rough.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them