Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor