Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.