Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
![]()
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
![]()
![]()
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
![]()
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
![]()
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?