Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

23. the denim jacket

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive