Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

So Hamburger help me, God

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Reporter: *ports again*

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah